In the past, even I have to admit to 'jumping on the bandwagon' but after the age of 16, I've come to realise that I really needed a site with my own style and my own choices. The decision to have a new name to the site to me signifies the change in the way I feel and think as one year passes on from my last update, as I seem to become a lot more sensitive than before. I've always been an emotional person who believes that understanding emotions is an important driving force into what makes us human. I got the idea from a song that Koichi Domoto sung also called 'Temperamental Fool' which appears in his first live tour 2004 ˝ DVD. It has an addictive beat to it and even though I found Koichi's English a little too Engrish for my taste, I believe that my site holds a different connotation to what Koichi was singing about.
Temperamental
Tem-per-a-men-tal [tem-per-uh-men-tl, -pruh-men-, -per-men-]
1. Having or exhibiting a strongly marked, individual temperament
2. Moody, irritable, or sensitive: a temperamental artist
3. Given to erratic behaviour; unpredictable
4. Of or pertaining to temperament; constitutional: temperamental differences
Source: dictionary.com
The first three meanings to me is feasible in my case because I guess you can say that I can be quite an overly sensitive person who shows my emotions perhaps too openly. I have an incapability to keep a horrible lie for so long without feeling ever so guilty. I'm also known to be somewhat unpredictable and this is the case with my studies because even though I may not be the smartest cookie in the jar in my close circle of friends, I can surprise them every now and again. I'm also unpredictable in other people's eye from the way I act whether it is the way I dress or perhaps the way I am when I'm drunk. People think that I'm too nice and quiet but they're just far from it. I guess I can be irritable as well from trying to be different. Overall, I guess I see myself as a person who wants to get her point across no matter how ridiculous it might seem.
Fool
This would compliment with the word temperamental in the sense that I don't see myself too highly in regards to achievements despite what people say about what I have done with my volunteering work and my travels in recent years. It's not in a way that I'm ungrateful for what have been given to me because I'm certainly grateful and I have no regrets in what I've done. I just lack self-esteem and I'm somewhat insecure in some respect despite I give the impression that I am an independent. Sure, I can be independent and I've proven that in Sweden, but at the same time I can't stand being silent for too long. I actually used to think of myself as a cold person at one point because they were so many basic feelings or experiences that I couldn't grasp like love and death personally. I guess I just have trouble juggling my personal issues and forgiving others if 'I' get emotionally hurt. There have been some times when I also brood and have moments of 'I hate the frickin' world for being frickin' narrow-minded compared to me' but I guess that was when I was in the Punk // emo phase. So aside from juggling my inferiorities and some superiority thinking, I am a fool because I can't control my emotions and sensitivity properly like I should do.
But let's not dwell on a sad depressing ending because a fool can also be a good thing for I also don't take a lot of things seriously especially when I'm with my friends and I can be pretty playful and extremely childish. Even now, I still like to watch many cartoons and comedies as an escape from reality. So in essence, I can also be a fool in a joker kind of way.
So…temperamental fool? More like emotionally polarised fool :D
Other names that I might have used
Sentimentalist blues
Sketched out life | Used for my first livejournal blog 'Zellosophy'
Twisted elegance
Encased Musique
Wings of Words
~ Pancakes
02 // 09 // 06