Picking up the pieces

Mental Note

I find it difficult to fully describe a song that I love listening to let alone fully describing myself but I guess I shall give it all I have. However, I know for sure that I won't be able to completely foretell of my life and my appearance because of my need for that little bit of privacy. So in a sense, the way I write makes you believe that you know something about me when in reality, you don't.

The name

I go by many screen-names but I think at most forums, I am either 'Slashed', 'Slashedwings', 'pancakes' or 'Zellosophy'. For some reasons I love the word slashed but it does have that masculine quality about it despite me being female. The problem with this nickname is not only does it have that masculine connotation but it's quite common too. It also has that sadist essence about it and my love for blood-gore horror films and an insatiable thirst of such a thrill makes the choice of that screen-name a little concerning though its attachment has become a little meaningless for me in recent years. However, I think that in recent years, I have 'softened' up and moved on to choosing something a little more 'me' like pancakes or slashie. Perhaps it's the twisted and estranged humour that I have but I think "pancakes" is a great name. It sounds funny despite being mundane at the same time or maybe I'm following this whole 'stage name' feel like K or Seven or Bean-bag.

I have only given my real name on very rare occasions and it is mostly in relations with making true pen-pal relationships. I do not have an English name and even though most Chinese (especially with Hong Kong Chinese folks like my ancestry is) have a western name alongside their Chinese name, I refuse to conform to that in order to slightly fit in with western culture and its environment. The funny thing is however is that the first part of the name given in English is quite common in Asia. Perhaps it's my own paranoia or my sheer stubbornness to disclose my name but perhaps maybe in the future I might.

Acting your own age

Just because I was born on the 13th April doesn't make me a bad omen, even though people have poked some humour about me being born on Friday 13th when in fact I was born on a Saturday. I honestly don't feel twenty-one and more eighteen but perhaps I am disillusioning myself but regardless of how old I am, I don't really regret whatever mess and trials I have set myself over the years that is my life. There have been many times when I could have done this or did better in that but I don't dwell on such choices that already have been made. People say that there is a certain age in your life where you know you are maturing and I think for me is twenty for many reasons which I will digress at a later period. All I know for now is that this year has a sense of progression and opportunity than the rest but I'm not sure.

Another world

I am a British born Chinese girl but I think my ancestry is more swayed towards being Hong Kong Chinese rather than mainland Chinese. Then again, I have the sneaking suscipion that I might be Korean but whatever. I say this because I don't really know much living relatives who are on my mother's side who is of mainland Chinese origin whilst I know many on my father's side who is of Hong Kong Chinese origin. Actually I don't have many grandparents as most of them died before my time and that to me is a shame but that's life. The only one I know is my grandma on my mother's side and she lives in China which is very far away. It is also to note that I can only speak and read fluently in Cantonese and not Mandarin which is currently a huge barrier between me and the many Chinese people where I live since the language of Cantonese is to some extent dying. When I was young, it used to be comforting knowing that I could speak in Cantonese with ease to another person but now I am more hesitant to speak in case the other person speaks mandarin which I am trying hard to learn. I think this will be a hard task for me to learn Mandarin and to try and destroy that kind of language barrier before it's too late.

I really enjoy my Chinese ancestry and its heritage and just because I was born in England, it should not make me feel any different because of the difference in nationality. But alas, there are times when people make you feel like an 'alien' even if you have the same ethnicity. However, I think this kind of feeling I receive from such folks only occurred after I was 16 so I think innocence, luck and to some extent ignorance played a part in deterring discrimination. But hopefully, when I become more fluent in Mandarin that my next experiences of living in China or Hong Kong will be more comforting, just like ten years ago.

Linguist Prodigy?

The irony for me is that despite my determination to learn a new language that I can eventually speak in is that I still have people criticising my use of English grammar. This is probably my biggest flaws and it's quite a liability in some respect but I can't help it. No matter how hard I try to improve, it just doesn't go away. I still try my very best to conquer my grammatical problems by reading those kinds of books and receiving lessons from English teachers. Even though I have trouble with my English grammar, learning a European language like French and Swedish or even Asiatic languages like Japanese is somewhat easier compared to English which is, for me quite strange. Currently, I am in my free time trying to speak and read in Mandarin, French (to polish up on my high school subject) and Japanese. However, I am more focussed with Swedish which I have to learn before I go study in Sweden this coming autumn. I want to be a person that can communicate with many different kind of people without the hindrance of language and it is also to note that I have a culture obsession so that does drive my ambition of learning new language. I think that if I did not pursue a historical career that I would have eventually tried to become either a linguist or an interpretator.

I am thinking of creating a section on learning a few phrases in Swedish or just show the different structure of "alphabets" in different languages like Greek or how pictorial // pronunciation based languages works. I don't know, but something along that line. In conclusion, I don't think of myself as multi-lingual but simply as a person with a drive to break down language barriers between people and since the future sees language learning as an unpopular interest (especially in the academic sense or perhaps it's just my high school…gah), this becomes even more important to me.

Wings of Words

Even though my appearance and interests makes me somewhat extrovert and loud, I actually don't really say much to people and I'm often seen as a quiet person in real life. I think I used to be a loud and confident person back in Primary school because I was given that so called confidence and attention by the people (see 'Life of the Fallen') and this carried on in Drama and acting during secondary school because of the good attention I've received for my efforts in acting. However, I think the reason that I've become a quiet person is realising the falsity within what was really given to me. I think it might also be because I have at that time begun to pull away from the crowd (though never completely though at that point, I never see myself wanting to be the centre of attention as much as I used to) to go pursue my own interests. This is probably most evident after the age of 16 when I first started listening to Japanese and punk music whilst having a different wardrobe and fashioning a strange spiky hairstyle. Despite the eccentricity with this new 'phase' that I was going through, I think it was the sheer pressure and stress that was the reality of life at college which probably set my confidence shaking like an earthquake. Failures after failures can do so much damage to your confidence you know.

People say that I have wisdom and have given great advice to other people to cherish and thus some see me as an agony aunt who dishes out promising advices but nothing more and in some respect, I agree with them also because asides from being an estranged soothsayer I don't really speak much to people unless they are a close friend of mine. However, I have a feeling that my confidence is growing back very slowly as there is something new in my life to look forward to. I'm not sure how to describe it but when you have nothing much worthwhile coming your way for years and then some potentially life-changing opportunity comes along, you can't help but gain some confidence out of it (hopefully anyway)

'I fly solo mate'

I see myself as a loner at heart despite the attention I do receive over the years and it's probably down to my stubbornness and reluctance to join in with such a new crowd that I know that won't have exactly what I desire. Since Asian music and Asian culture is not all popular where I live, I tend to portray myself as a somewhat dull person but I know people have in the past say that when I do eventually socialise, I 'spring out of my shell for a night out, you don't spring out, you fire yourself out of a cannon'

I can at times do things pretty reckless especially when I am drunk which I am not afraid to admit. I also like to note that I am not an alcoholic but I can certainly handle my drinks…it's just that when I do lose count of the amount I do drink… that just puts my ethics out of the window! However, despite those kinds of antics, I guess with my closest friends, I still have the ability to hold onto my childhood by playing on the swings, jumping into a pool of cuddly toys that the poor sales assistants took a lot of time stacking or just running down a really steep hill. However, generally I'm one of those people who enjoy a close network of friends but at times find it extremely difficult to just socialise and make some friend or conversation with someone I don't really know. In other words, I'm one of those, 'once you take the time to know me…' kind of person.

I think this decline in sociability is evident in the kind of sports I play. In the past, I used to be in the netball and basketball team and was able to make a great team player. I used to love playing cricket, baseball and dodge-ball too because I enjoyed the teamwork and what I can put into the game. I think now I don't really do that kind of sport and now I simply focus on jogging, exercising and running. At times I would practice tennis (though I'm not that good as I play badminton) but only with a few people. I think if I regained my confidence then I might participate in a team-based sport once more in the future.

Break your own style

(Coming up - dress sense)

~Slashie

30 // 06 // 05